Draft Day: The Roster

Draft Day.

We have this one penciled on the calendar for months, and rightfully so. It’s a chance to connect with old friends, toss out the rules for a few hours, and bond, like the old days. It’s also an investment. We’re all in, and as the day nears, we prep with fury. Last second cheat sheets, tips, anything to fuel our competitive thirst. The monetary gain is nice, but it’s really about being back with the guys. Zingers flying left and right, and despite what our wives think, a chance to brag. Brag about them, new additions to the family, work opportunities, stock tips…

And once those :30 expire, it’s GAME ON!

Let’s meet the room.

1. “Decade Behind Guy” I have no idea what the heck happened to this poor soul. At one point, “DBG” was a beacon of hope for the drafting community, seamlessly transitioning from newspapers to the internet, this guy had all the tools. In the 90’s, he was a pioneer of sorts, the early glue to the beginning stages of Fantasy Football, rallying the troops and keeping stats. Yet, his rapid ascension has been met with a powerful and depressing fall from grace. He doesn’t own a lap top, and instead shows up on DD with a single sheet of paper. He thinks Shaun Alexander is still playing and Todd Heap is still a terrific option at TE. Boy, what could have been.

2. “Suffocated Married Guy” I love marriage, and I am happily married, but the reason I love marriage and remain happily married is because my wife understands there are certain things that were grandfathered into our vows, and this is one of them. “SMG’s” wife, sadly never got that memo, and he in turn, is absolutely miserable, a shell of his once virile self. He’s constantly checking his phone, stepping away from the table to chat. This dude may as well quit the league now. No one, and I mean no one, likes this guy. We pity him, yes. But like? Not on draft day we don’t. Absolute buzz-kill. Oh yeah, he’s probably late too, finishing up a few chapters of errands before finally receiving the green light from the Mrs. If I ever become this guy, shoot me.

3. “Trend-Setter Guy” This guy is flat-out baffling, yet, his stupidity forces everyone to react and deviate from their initial drafting goals. Why? Because “TSG” decides this is the year he must select a K in the second round, or begin an early trend on Defense/Special Teams. By so desperately wanting to be ahead of the curve, he instead distorts any semblance of balance., forcing everyone to recover. In a weird way, “TSG” challenges your draft-day acumen. The good ones usually respond, while he scrapes the bottom of the pool all season long. Basically, he gets in his own head, and those guys never do well. Admittedly, and sadly, I have been this guy.

4. “Jobless Guy” Utterly depressing, and sadly, the last few years, “JG’s” visibility has increased exponentially. It’s rough out there, no question. But the point of Fantasy Football and Draft Day itself is to escape the day-to-day grind, to kick back, chill and catch up with the boys. If he’s not complaining about the mortgage, chances are, he’s hinting strongly that this year’s entry fee is a little to steep for his blood. Still, he’s committed, locked in once the drafting begins, a great sports fan and hopefully for his sake, a few bucks richer come January. We’re always rooting for “JG.” I think we’ve all been this guy.

5. “Frat House Guy” This guy rocks. He’s basically like the rest of us, only a few years behind on the evolution scale, which is perfectly fine given the occasion. Overall, he gets it. Gainfully employed, in a relationship, yet one night a year, this guy manages to turn back time and command the room, like the old days. Backwards hat, jersey, ripped jeans. This guy is down for anything and because he was a former athlete, he knows the score, and almost always walks away with a solid, balanced team. Proudly, I relate to this guy.

6. “Divorced Guy” Quite frankly, it depends which one shows up, because there are two types, and they are both very, very different. “DG” can kill the vibe, if he’s not on his game. If he’s divorced because he finally figured out what we all knew back on his wedding day, well, good for him. He forges ahead, undeterred. If he’s divorced because his wife, well you know, this guy is in shambles. If it’s the latter, comfort him before the draft during breaks and after the draft, but sit far away from him during the action. He will suck you in and your team will suffer. There’s a fine line between being a great friend and being a great GM, and it’s up to you to strike the proper balance. It’s not easy.

7. “What’s Next on the Agenda Guy” Truth of the matter is, you love this guy, and on so many levels, you used to be this guy, but tonight, he is a direct threat to your patience. In Round 2, he’s ordering pizza, in Round 4 he’s looking to jump out for a beer run, in Round 6, he’s already shuffling the cards and by 8, he’s already on the phone with strippers. Again, you like this guy. Actually, you love this guy. But you have a job to do before the party breaks out, and all these years later, he still doesn’t get the message. Not surprisingly, his team nickname may as well be “doormat.” Never a threat to win. In essence, “WNAG” is there to do everything BUT draft. It’s tough, but I usually manage to strike a nice balance with this guy.

8. “I Rarely see this Guy, Guy” Close your eyes and scan the room. You can visualize the seating arrangement and the room itself. You know who’s getting fidgety waiting on the first smoke break in the garage. Generally, you converse with everyone, yet, every year, without fail, there is one guy, who for some reason, you need to ask yourself: who is this dude? That’s right, it’s so and so’s friend from college or Billy’s cousin or Matt’s brother. Good guy, harmless guy, passionate drafter…but nearly a decade later, you still hope you remember his name. Ironically, he’s usually a factor come December, and yup, you guessed: you won’t see him again until next draft day.

9. “Good pick Guy” There’s a fine line between this guy being an asset and a complete annoyance. When the picking becomes tight, and you’re in the late rounds, trying to beat the clock and decide between a few middle round rookies or other obscure (possible) breakout players, this guy is good for the ego: “Solid pick, nice job right there” or “damn, you got my guy.” That’s cool. Subtle, yet rewarding to all receiving GM’s. When you start hearing that 3-4 picks in, he’s a good bet to rub a few people the wrong way. Tread carefully, “GPG.” After a few beers, we all turn into this guy at one point.

10. “Pseudo GM Guy” Let’s face it, we’re all pseudo GM’s, that’s the whole point of Fantasy Football. But this guy is different. He is methodical and effective, cunning and dangerous. He is good. He’s always a step ahead with the latest stat, latest techno-gadget and chances are, he is a very astute college football fan, which helps in the later rounds. He was probably the ball boy in HS, and this is his chance to flex, and flex he does.

Oh yeah, good luck! (Unless you’re in my league.)

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4 Comments

  1. BT, great article! I draft this Saturday, the 25th, and was envisioning how each of my fellow friends fit the labels above. The one twist is we have a female GM, and year in and year out gives us all a run for our money. Maybe it’s her blood line, because one of her uncles was part of the infamous ’72 Dolphins team. Alright man, I look forward to catching your show on 95.7 on my drive home.

    -Vince

  2. Martin Mendieta

     /  08/24/2012

    That’s awesome stuff like always BT. Unfortunately, I’m the “I rarely see this guy, guy”. I have my draft on Sunday 8/25 with my old neighbor and I only see him and his family, once a year. Yup, you guessed it! On draft day. Sad thing is, we live in a small town of about 40,000 or so. Amazing how fantasy football brings people together.

  3. {Melinda} I think that moms try hard to LOOK like they have it all together. I know that for years I was stgilrgung ALOT but from the outside it didn’t look like it. Once I started sharing my fears and struggles, other women started telling me about theirs, too. I think vulnerability is the key if we share, then others start being more transparent and opening up, too.

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